André Aciman and the toxic relationship

When I first came to Call Me By Your Name (CMBYN) by André Aciman as a teenage Sad Boi™ who was yet to fully embrace his sexuality, I was totally seduced by the idea of a gay summer romance that didn’t end in total tragedy. I imagine that this opinion was shared with many of my queer contemporaries, at least initially. I cannot overstate the positive impact that this LGBTQ+ representation had on me. Seeing a version of myself in a narrative that isn’t surrounded by the typical gay tropes of misery was ground-breaking. Elio does not worry that he will contract HIV, or that his family will reject him, he doesn’t question his faith, the romance doesn’t end in public scandal and nobody dies. Yes, Elio does have to suffer an unrequited love, however this is at least a lesser pain than the alternatives we, as a community, are used to consuming from the media.

Several years later, when Aciman released the sequel to CMBYN, Find Me, I decided to re-read the first before buying the second. Unfortunately, my opinion on revisiting the novel was that Oliver and Elio affair -which has once seemed beautiful to me- was at best problematic. After doing a bit of research on the topic I found that some queer critics had slammed the books when the film was released, saying that the novel romanticises what is in fact emotional abuse. I would not be so bold in my claim, given that this a work of fiction and not an ethical endorsement of the relationship, but it is definitely worth discussing how toxic their relationship is. Here’s why…

Firstly, the age difference. Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing toxic about a seven-year age gap between adults, but Elio is 17 and Oliver is 24. We have to accept that there is a significant difference in maturity at this age. The author said in his own words “Those seven years, they do matter […] from 17 to 24 there’s a substantial difference […] one has all the experience with life, and the other is just beginning to discover what life is”. Elio is still high school age, he is not as emotionally, sexually or intellectually developed as Oliver and is far more susceptible to being manipulated. This point is exaggerated when you throw being queer into the mix. Like most queer young people, Elio is isolated in terms of people he can safely discuss his situation with. He is a teenage boy secretly learning to navigate his desire with no one to confide in except from the man he has started shagging.

Oliver is an annoying narcissist, who is assertive and directive in his relationship with Elio. He is manipulative and regularly oversteps Elio’s boundaries which he gets away with because Elio is searching for approval. Take the famous peach scene, for example. Elio repeatedly and explicitly asks Oliver not to eat the peach and even tries to wrestle it from his hands to get it away from him. Oliver pays no attention to Elio and eats it anyway. Now, I appreciate that the scene ends playfully but I was so uncomfortable when I read Elio’s subsequent thoughts; “suddenly I had the fierce urge to cry”. Oliver is clearly used to getting his own way and when he doesn’t, he makes Elio feel guilty. One instance of this is when he asks Elio “what are you thinking about?” to which he replies, “it’s private” and Oliver says “I guess I’ll go hang out with your mom” before walking away. What a dick! It gets worse. On one evening during their trip to Rome, Elio gets so drunk that he vomits (several times) while Oliver -an experienced drinker- leads him home. At the end of the scene we are told that they “make love”. NO. A 24-year-old man having sex with a wasted 17-year-old boy is not an example of consent. I need the baby-gays to know this.

Despite being shocked by my second reading of CMBYN, I forced myself to read Find Me because I need to know what the other literary queers are talking about. Needless to say, nothing improves in the sequel. In fact, Aciman kicks off the book with Sami (Elio’s father) falling in love with the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, Miranda who is half his age. At this point, I knew it was going to be a very long and cliché read. When Elio is finally introduced into the book, he is clearly still emotionally damaged by his experience with Oliver even though years have passed and starts to date a man who is over 20-years his senior – obviously. Anyway, I won’t bore you with the plot but Find Me does nothing to redeem the characters of the first book, if anything I actually lost respect for the author.

Here I should reiterate that I am not damning Call Me By Your Name. I believe writers should be able to explore all kinds of themes in fictions, including uncomfortable relationships. Also, I am still very grateful for some aspects of the book: it is well-written, entertaining and I believe that it is an affirming force in popular culture for many queer people. However, it is important to read it with caution -especially if you are a young twink- and not as a template for a healthy same-sex relationship. Oh, as for Find Me, don’t even bother reading that – I hear they are going to make a film anyway.

References

2018. One Author Says 'Call Me By Your Name' Is About Abuse, Not Love. https://www.wbur.org/hereandnow/2018/02/15/author-call-me-by-your-name-abuse

Ahlgrim, C. 2018. https://www.insider.com/karamo-brown-queer-eye-explains-why-call-me-by-your-name-is-problematic-2018-12

J, Bloomer. (2017). What Should We Make of Call Me by Your Name’s Age-Gap Relationship? https://slate.com/human-interest/2017/11/the-ethics-of-call-me-by-your-names-age-gap-sexual-relationship-explored.html

Boyne, J. 2019. Find Me by André Aciman review – an intriguing sequel to Call Me by Your Name. https://www.theguardian.com/books/2019/oct/30/find-me-by-andre-aciman-review

Grady, C. 2019. Find Me, the Call Me By Your Name sequel, is tender, melancholy, and deeply flawed. https://www.vox.com/culture/2019/10/29/20936276/find-me-review-andre-aciman-call-me-by-your-name-sequel-book

Medromeadoro, A (2017) The problem with Call Me By Your Name. https://medium.com/@puentera/the-problem-with-call-me-by-your-name-a8369de0b489

Newman, E. 2019. “Call Me by Your Name” Gets a Dubious Sequel in André Aciman’s “Find Me”. https://lareviewofbooks.org/article/call-me-by-your-name-gets-a-dubious-sequel-in-andre-acimans-find-me/

Petter, O. 2019. Call Me By Your Name author Andre Aciman: ‘I leave it to people with small minds to discuss whether straight actors should play LGBT+ roles’. https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/andre-aciman-interview-call-me-by-your-name-find-me-sequel-lgbt-a9168961.html

Sorrentino, R and Turban, J. 2018. Call Me by Your Name: Not Pedophilia, Still Problematic. https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/film-and-book-reviews/call-me-your-name-not-pedophilia-still-problematic